Life as champion

Well, dudes, I am coming to you tonight from the ICU at Ewing Memorial Hospital, dude. I just awoke from a medically induced coma and saw my beautiful World Heavyweight Championship belt and my beautiful Joy Bozkivitz and Gail Donnelly sitting beside me. I then turned to see The Turd dutifully wiping my wounds, dude. Finally, my slave, my manservant, my loyal Love Muffin was there, changing my colostomy bag, brother. It took me a minute, but I pieced together that I destroyed that conservative Ass Butte and took what is rightfully mine, brother. I have been in consultation with Judge Jennings and we are currently in negotiations with #1 contender Chi-Town Chris Collins to determine the parameters of our title match at November Nightmare, dude. The Judge agrees that I will not have to defend my title before that date due to the injuries I have suffered and the fact that I won the title in a three stages of hell match, dude. Jennings believes that since I won the first stage, I was esentially the champ at that point and that my next two stages were title defenses, dude! On top of all the good news, Hillary has unveiled her universal health care plan, brother. If we had that now I wouldn't have to worry about these medical bills- thankfully BCPL and that prostate massager Kelly Millis will be footing the bill, dude.

As for that wretched, shit-stained UN fake ass shit belt that I had and threw out the ambulance...I am awarding it to the Legion of Dum for their retard victory at Ill Gotten Gains. It will now be a six-man tag team title, though I refuse to spend the money to get two more belts made for those waterheads, dude. We will call it the Six Man Tard Tag Team Title, brother.

As for Ass Butte, I hear that he was so destroyed by his defeat that he is now coaching the Braddock University Bombers football team. Well, good riddance, dude. You ducked me long enough, but all your dastardly deeds weren't enough to save you when the largest arms in the world and Liberalmania ran wild on you, dude!

My dreams will be realized tomorrow

I have just returned from my trip to Venice Beach, brothers. I am ready to take the World title from Ass Butte tomorrow night, dude. My destiny will finally be realized...I can feel it. Even George Bush is praying that I win the match, dudes.